Daddies Day Out With debo.....The facts and truth about fathering in the millenium era. - "The fact is, every father cannot be said to be responsible. But the truth is, every father can be responsible".
“Hey, Toluwani you better behave yourself else I give a spank across you bum” I yelled at my niece to send a message to her she was overstepping the boundaries which she does deliberately at times to test how often she can do things and get away with it, they (children) all do it, I did, you did it so what should be done?
What is spanking and why must we spank? Spanking means to beat or slap loudly and smartly, especially with the hand, a slipper, belt e.t.c usually on the buttocks.
Though I’m not a father yet, but with my experience teaching, working, helping and counselling children (6 years now), I’ve come to realize that discipline is lacking in both parents and children. The Bible says “Train up a child in the way he/she should go when they are old they will not depart from it”. Spanking as a form of discipline is a corrective measure in train up a child. The purpose of spanking is to train, not to punish or vent anger. So many parents due to indiscipline or out of false love have spoilt their children while sparing the rod, a fact to note here is what the Bible says about love and correction “He who the father loves He chastises”
Parents must set boundaries which the children must not cross for the children’s psychological well-being and the children must be made to know the importance of obeying their parents for their own physical safety. A firm boundary must be set backed with immediate and appropriate corrective measures when crossed. These boundaries must be set early in childhood and any defiance should always be answered with an immediate spanking. Parents must learn to teach their children the how and when to listen and obey. As the children grows they start showing some traits of defiance refusing to obey and preferring to have their ways, right at the early discovery of these traits spanking as a corrective measure is most appropriate. To properly do it with love and at the same time effectively, the method of verbal counting down to the actual spanking of 1-2-3. Once the child knows a spanking is coming when you get to 3, you rarely get to 3 before the child listens and obeys. Please note that your children will always want to test your set boundaries, so for you to succeed as a parent your boundaries must be firm, and crossing it must always get a spank; there must be no exceptions no matter how it makes you feel.
When is spanking necessary and useful? Spanking is necessary and useful when children are too young to reason but need to know to obey. Spanking usually becomes necessary by the time children attain the age of two years old and run till age four. When you try to reason with a two year old child, you will know why spanking is valuable. By the time boundaries are well set and enforced the need for spanking will steadily decease from three years on. From age three to six, it’s good to start phasing into time-outs and restrictions as children by now begin to understand and control themselves. Another important tool at this level is to learn to praise children for every good effort and good doings. Please note, after they turn six, spanking should be reduced as a discipline method other method like reasoning, time-out and restriction should be adopted.
When is it right to spank a child? “Success begets success” for a child to learn discipline the parents must first discipline themselves. You must not spank out of anger, transfer of aggression or frustration. Remember spanking is a way of training. Out-of-control, violent or aggressive parents can never have trained or controlled children but abused children. Always spank to correct open and deliberate defiance, refusing to listen or crossing a safety boundary. For sparking to be most effective make it within a short time after the offence, because children have short attention span (one minute per year of age). Immediate spanking is best so they know exactly what they did to get spanked. Note: Nobody but parents should spank the child unless such people understands the parents boundaries and conditions and have the parents’ permission to spank.
What is appropriate spanking? The idea of spanking is to train by making the child feel the pain for defiance but never to cause injuries. Appropriate spanking is striking with an open hand until you see tears and should be on the buttock. Do not slap, belt or starve a child as a form of correcting defiance. Discipline is the most difficult task in parenting. A parent must be disciplined to instil discipline into a child. To be discipline means to do the right things all the time including disciplining a child as at when, where and how necessary. Early and consistent discipline will save both parents and children from difficult times in the future, early and properly administered discipline will improve the child’s self esteem, education and help avoid adolescent and young adult train wrecks so, dear parents always have it at the back of your minds that spanking is to correct out of love, it must not be abused or become violent. It is a better alternative to screaming at a child, name calling, ignoring a child and letting him/her run wild. Be disciplined and methodical on spanking, remember “Sparing the rod will only result to spoiling the child”.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
TEEN PREGNANCY – A father’s guide for the girl child(ren)
What is teen pregnancy? Teen Pregnancy is a situation where an underage girl is put in the family way either married or unmarried.
So many factors have been said to be responsible for teen pregnancy such as:
Broken Homes: Dysfunctional families set the stage for teen pregnancy for girls from such homes have volatile relationships with their mothers and no relationships with their fathers or vice versa.
Rape: A victim of rape might be traumatised to an extent that triggers emotional pain that may later become manifested into destructive conducts. Sexual abuses like rape brings a feeling of self worthlessness, hatred and lost of control.
Overconfidence and curiosity: Some teens have become mothers as a result of their own foolishness, they are confident of being capable of doing anything, forgetting also they are capable of having a baby. Some fall victims by experimenting with sex because of curiosity, there is a belief there is something they are missing out there.
Ignorance: Some youths do not understand the connection between sex and pregnancy. Often time most teen mothers are often shocked or surprised to find they are pregnant even though knowing what they have done and the consequences involved.
Our present day world is another major influence on teen pregnancy: We live in an era where people are lovers of pleasures than lovers of God. There is a non-chalant attitude towards sex, nobody seem to be perturb as everyone is out for fun. No longer is having a baby out of wedlock seen as a shameful act, some teenagers even view having a baby as some sort of status symbol.
Fathers are the most important factor after God required in protecting the girl child(ren) from teen pregnancy. We must be a source of good example and information for our daughter(s). We should be the first line of defence in the war against teen pregnancy. Bose a teen mother who got pregnant as the age of 17 while still in S.S 2 said though her parents worked hard to provide for her material needs, she still craved and feel the emotional void created by the absence of her ever too busy father.
The fact is, it is a very painful and heartbreaking experience when a girl who is still a child herself becomes pregnant and unmarried. But the truth is teen pregnancy is real and on the wide spread in a way it touches all of us either as a father, uncle, brother or neighbour. I have earlier said that fathers are the next most important factor after God in protecting the girl child(ren) against teen pregnancy. Here are few tips for every father and fathers-to- be on how to protect our daughter(s):
Become a confidential friend: Most African fathers love to be feared, they see a friendly relationship between themselves and their daughter(s) as unethical, a western idea that is wrong. It is time to do away with traditions and embraced knowledge which is the truth. It is important that we build a relationship of trust with our daughter(s). Are you a confidential friend to your daughter(s)? Do you really listen to your daughter(s)? Does your daughter(s) feel comfortable in bringing problems to you? Are you quicker to condemn than to praise? Do you take time to know your daughters, do they have friends? Who are they? Do not be afraid to set firm boundaries or render loving discipline.
Never over look the dangers facing your daughter(s): Most fathers don’t know their daughters. Based on their abilities and status in meeting their daughter’s physical or material need they feel too comfortable that their daughters are free from pre-marital sex or teen pregnancy. Take out time to teach them about God’s love and to keep His commandments right from infancy, teach them Bible morals, read and study the Bible with them, pray with and for them as a family. Give them accurate information about sex. Someone might want to say but I did all these yet my daughter went ahead and got pregnant, what do I do? If you find yourself in situation like this please never think of abortion, God is against it, the law of the land is against it. It not just a murderous act it is equally suicidal even for your daughter. In the process of getting rid of the pregnancy you may lose your daughter too. You need to show such child(ren) love, help and support, help her to go through her ordeal physically, emotionally, financially and psychology. Instead of castigating, help the girl to retrace her steps. Also remember a child born out of wedlock or to teen mother need not to be stigmatised, lot of love is to be shown on the baby too, the baby have done nothing wrong and being a product of some youth naivety does not make such a child less a normal child or hated by God.
The best defence against teen pregnancy is YOU, turn your daughters to God with love and your constant presence in the formative and teenage years, this is more than any classroom education.
Some bitter facts about teen pregnancy
From a recent survey carried out on teen pregnancy the following facts were deduced reflecting the realities faced by pregnant teens:
· 4 out 20 girls become pregnant or have gone through abortion before attaining age 20.
· About 40% of teen mothers are under 18 years of age.
· Children of teen parents suffers higher rate of abuse and neglect than children of older parents.
· Only 3 out of 10 teen mothers go back to complete their education.
· Nearly 80% of the fathers responsible for such pregnancies marry the teen mothers of their babies.
· Only 20% of teen mothers who marries after their child is born remain in such marriages, teen marriages are twice as likely to fail compare to marriages in which the woman is at least 2 5 years of age.
· Children of teen mothers are most likely to be born prematurely which might lead to blindness, deafness, chronic respiratory problems, mental retardation, celebral palsy, dyslexia, hyper activeness or infant death.
See you @ The TOP.
So many factors have been said to be responsible for teen pregnancy such as:
Broken Homes: Dysfunctional families set the stage for teen pregnancy for girls from such homes have volatile relationships with their mothers and no relationships with their fathers or vice versa.
Rape: A victim of rape might be traumatised to an extent that triggers emotional pain that may later become manifested into destructive conducts. Sexual abuses like rape brings a feeling of self worthlessness, hatred and lost of control.
Overconfidence and curiosity: Some teens have become mothers as a result of their own foolishness, they are confident of being capable of doing anything, forgetting also they are capable of having a baby. Some fall victims by experimenting with sex because of curiosity, there is a belief there is something they are missing out there.
Ignorance: Some youths do not understand the connection between sex and pregnancy. Often time most teen mothers are often shocked or surprised to find they are pregnant even though knowing what they have done and the consequences involved.
Our present day world is another major influence on teen pregnancy: We live in an era where people are lovers of pleasures than lovers of God. There is a non-chalant attitude towards sex, nobody seem to be perturb as everyone is out for fun. No longer is having a baby out of wedlock seen as a shameful act, some teenagers even view having a baby as some sort of status symbol.
Fathers are the most important factor after God required in protecting the girl child(ren) from teen pregnancy. We must be a source of good example and information for our daughter(s). We should be the first line of defence in the war against teen pregnancy. Bose a teen mother who got pregnant as the age of 17 while still in S.S 2 said though her parents worked hard to provide for her material needs, she still craved and feel the emotional void created by the absence of her ever too busy father.
The fact is, it is a very painful and heartbreaking experience when a girl who is still a child herself becomes pregnant and unmarried. But the truth is teen pregnancy is real and on the wide spread in a way it touches all of us either as a father, uncle, brother or neighbour. I have earlier said that fathers are the next most important factor after God in protecting the girl child(ren) against teen pregnancy. Here are few tips for every father and fathers-to- be on how to protect our daughter(s):
Become a confidential friend: Most African fathers love to be feared, they see a friendly relationship between themselves and their daughter(s) as unethical, a western idea that is wrong. It is time to do away with traditions and embraced knowledge which is the truth. It is important that we build a relationship of trust with our daughter(s). Are you a confidential friend to your daughter(s)? Do you really listen to your daughter(s)? Does your daughter(s) feel comfortable in bringing problems to you? Are you quicker to condemn than to praise? Do you take time to know your daughters, do they have friends? Who are they? Do not be afraid to set firm boundaries or render loving discipline.
Never over look the dangers facing your daughter(s): Most fathers don’t know their daughters. Based on their abilities and status in meeting their daughter’s physical or material need they feel too comfortable that their daughters are free from pre-marital sex or teen pregnancy. Take out time to teach them about God’s love and to keep His commandments right from infancy, teach them Bible morals, read and study the Bible with them, pray with and for them as a family. Give them accurate information about sex. Someone might want to say but I did all these yet my daughter went ahead and got pregnant, what do I do? If you find yourself in situation like this please never think of abortion, God is against it, the law of the land is against it. It not just a murderous act it is equally suicidal even for your daughter. In the process of getting rid of the pregnancy you may lose your daughter too. You need to show such child(ren) love, help and support, help her to go through her ordeal physically, emotionally, financially and psychology. Instead of castigating, help the girl to retrace her steps. Also remember a child born out of wedlock or to teen mother need not to be stigmatised, lot of love is to be shown on the baby too, the baby have done nothing wrong and being a product of some youth naivety does not make such a child less a normal child or hated by God.
The best defence against teen pregnancy is YOU, turn your daughters to God with love and your constant presence in the formative and teenage years, this is more than any classroom education.
Some bitter facts about teen pregnancy
From a recent survey carried out on teen pregnancy the following facts were deduced reflecting the realities faced by pregnant teens:
· 4 out 20 girls become pregnant or have gone through abortion before attaining age 20.
· About 40% of teen mothers are under 18 years of age.
· Children of teen parents suffers higher rate of abuse and neglect than children of older parents.
· Only 3 out of 10 teen mothers go back to complete their education.
· Nearly 80% of the fathers responsible for such pregnancies marry the teen mothers of their babies.
· Only 20% of teen mothers who marries after their child is born remain in such marriages, teen marriages are twice as likely to fail compare to marriages in which the woman is at least 2 5 years of age.
· Children of teen mothers are most likely to be born prematurely which might lead to blindness, deafness, chronic respiratory problems, mental retardation, celebral palsy, dyslexia, hyper activeness or infant death.
See you @ The TOP.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Daddies day out with Debo. The facts and Truth about fathering in the millenium era...The fact is, not every father can be said to be responsible. But the truth is , every father can be responsible
THE GOLDEN RULE OF FATHERING A DAUGHTER – Show your daughter what a good husband is.
The golden rule says “Do unto others as you will want them to do you”
As I lay on the couch watching the Beckley premiership game between Manchester United and Manchester City, my fiancé walked in with her hands filled with bags from the grocery shopping she had gone with my niece who equally had a handful of shopping bags. Clearly their outing has been stressful.
The dirty dishes from the day breakfast (which she was not even part of) still piled high in the sink and the dining table littered with books from my writing activities and the question I deemed best to ask was not, ‘how was your outing’?, not ‘how are you or how do you feel’? Instead it was ‘what’s for lunch’? I have not finish asking that when it dawned on my consciousness that I would not for any reason want any man talk to any of my sisters, nieces not to mention my daughter(s) the way I just spoke and treated my fiancé. Even the look on my niece’s face confirmed her disappointment in my rather self-centred question.
As fathers, do you know you can help your daughter(s) develop their expectations for their would-be husbands by how you treat their mothers – your wives today? The fact is you cannot determine or choose who your daughter(s) will marry neither can you guarantee that everything will go well with their marriages. But the truth is if you are controlling, demanding and lazy, you will influence your daughter(s) negatively into believing that is a typical male behaviour. Children are better taught with pictures, never forget your daughter(s) are watching, their brains like a camcorder are running and recording. Your willingness to help out with chores around the house, your love and affection to your wife will give your daughter(s) the picture of what a unique and loving relationship should look like. Your example will guide them in their choice of a male partner to spend their time and life with. You must treat your wives the way you would want your future sons-in-law to treat your daughter(s).
See you @ The TOP
THE GOLDEN RULE OF FATHERING A DAUGHTER – Show your daughter what a good husband is.
The golden rule says “Do unto others as you will want them to do you”
As I lay on the couch watching the Beckley premiership game between Manchester United and Manchester City, my fiancé walked in with her hands filled with bags from the grocery shopping she had gone with my niece who equally had a handful of shopping bags. Clearly their outing has been stressful.
The dirty dishes from the day breakfast (which she was not even part of) still piled high in the sink and the dining table littered with books from my writing activities and the question I deemed best to ask was not, ‘how was your outing’?, not ‘how are you or how do you feel’? Instead it was ‘what’s for lunch’? I have not finish asking that when it dawned on my consciousness that I would not for any reason want any man talk to any of my sisters, nieces not to mention my daughter(s) the way I just spoke and treated my fiancé. Even the look on my niece’s face confirmed her disappointment in my rather self-centred question.
As fathers, do you know you can help your daughter(s) develop their expectations for their would-be husbands by how you treat their mothers – your wives today? The fact is you cannot determine or choose who your daughter(s) will marry neither can you guarantee that everything will go well with their marriages. But the truth is if you are controlling, demanding and lazy, you will influence your daughter(s) negatively into believing that is a typical male behaviour. Children are better taught with pictures, never forget your daughter(s) are watching, their brains like a camcorder are running and recording. Your willingness to help out with chores around the house, your love and affection to your wife will give your daughter(s) the picture of what a unique and loving relationship should look like. Your example will guide them in their choice of a male partner to spend their time and life with. You must treat your wives the way you would want your future sons-in-law to treat your daughter(s).
See you @ The TOP
Monday, January 11, 2010
HOW TO FATHER A 'LOVE-SANE' CHILDREN IN A 'SEX-CRAZED' WORLD
Daddies Day Out With Debo........The facts and truth about fathering in the millenium era. The fact is every father cannot be said to be responsible but the truth is every father can be responsible.
Calvary greetings to you all my esteem readers, followers, friends and co-fathers. Compliments of the season and welcome to the year 2010. 2010 is a year that has a lot in stock for us all and I want to use this medium to encourage everyone of us that the good Lord who had called us into this fathering ministry is all we need to achieve the desired result concerning our kids, so let us trust in Him like never before and He will never fail us. Before I go into our topic proper I want to use this opportunity to correct an error that has been re-occuring in the write-ups since last year, the slogan is ...."The fact is every father canot be said to be responsible ,but the truth is every father can be responsible" as against "The truth is every father cannot be said to be responsible, but the fact is every father ban be responsible". Please I take responsibility for this error and plead for your indulgence on that, necessary correction have been effected. Don't let me bore you by keeping your reading appetite waiting, enjoy reading and please endeavor to post your comment after reading.
Once again welcome to 2010, a year with a lot in stock for every father. Read on:
It amazes me at times the various newspapers headline and gist that freely fly around on teen pregnancies and pre-marital sex. Teen pregnancies and pre-marital sex have been attributed to so many factors like the influx of western culture, technology, poverty and single parenthood. But too shocking and revealing is the truth when you hear or read stories like – “Pastor’s daughter pregnant” or “Rich man’s daughter dies during abortion” and so many more. We sometimes wonder why these kids get involve if truly they have al they want in life, so we think but our thinking cab be wrong.
The fact is as fathers we might be doing our best to give our children the best, pay their tuition fees, buy them toys, computers, DSTV/DVD, buy them the latest designer’s clothes, take them out on vacations in and out of the country, go on picnic together and spend time with them, watching movies together as a family the truth is WHAT IS THE QUALITY OF OUR TIME & RELATIONSHIP with our child(ren)?.
Fathers please don’t be naive about your kids and sex. Recognize that children are having sex at early age, and that your kids are not immune to sexual temptation. In my recent findings 4 out of every 10 college students have experienced oral sex, 15% have participated in anal sex, and more heterosexual act is on the increase. Sex to the today’s youth is defined “I can do anything, anywhere with anybody”, a very destructive sexual ethic which if not quickly checked will and can be carried into adulthood. Have you tried to learn why these relatively innocent children become sexually promiscuous young adult? We easily blame in on peer pressure, the media, their schools for either teaching or not teaching about sex education, but like the Western African proverb says “The lizard cannot enter into the walls if there are no holes in the walls”. These intruders and strangers we point accusing fingers at usually find their way into our children’ heart through our ignorance, silence and carelessness as fathers on sexual matters. If they don’t receive that first taste of love and self worth from us, they will get it elsewhere at a cost. Why do we have to let our kids struggle for intimacy and acceptance at the expense of their precious body?
Curiosity kills the cat, if you as a father fail to answer your children’s curiosities and questions, someone else will, don’t forget our intruders, the media, peer group, sex educators. Be opened with your child(ren) about sex education; let them learn from your mistakes if any and your convictions now. Encourage an open-end relationship with you, encourage them to ask questions and take time to answer them in the appropriate way. Our kids no matter the standard of their schools or qualification of their teachers can learn better and faster than they can do from the parents, but too bad, according to a survey only 15% of mothers and 8% of fathers ever talked to their children about sexual intercourse.
Let us teach the children the many good reasons to wait. Sexually active teens risk great physical harm to their bodies, millions contract sexually transmitted diseases. 4 out of 9 active teenage girls get pregnant; many have already been opened to abortion. Most of these innocent children have suffered emotional harm and mostly wind up feeling used, cheap and empty. Premarital sex strains present boy/girl relationships and destroys future relationships (lack of trust, haunted comparisons).
What can I do, the world is sex-crazy? my child(ren) are already caught deep in the web? My children are innocent why border them?
Parenting is a battle and the father leads the battle. No great general goes to the battle field without a plan, your battle plan is your fatherly involvement. You are the greatest resource your kids have if they are to grow up to be“love-sane” adults in our today’s “sex-crazed” world.
See you @ the TOP.
The fact is as fathers we might be doing our best to give our children the best, pay their tuition fees, buy them toys, computers, DSTV/DVD, buy them the latest designer’s clothes, take them out on vacations in and out of the country, go on picnic together and spend time with them, watching movies together as a family the truth is WHAT IS THE QUALITY OF OUR TIME & RELATIONSHIP with our child(ren)?.
Fathers please don’t be naive about your kids and sex. Recognize that children are having sex at early age, and that your kids are not immune to sexual temptation. In my recent findings 4 out of every 10 college students have experienced oral sex, 15% have participated in anal sex, and more heterosexual act is on the increase. Sex to the today’s youth is defined “I can do anything, anywhere with anybody”, a very destructive sexual ethic which if not quickly checked will and can be carried into adulthood. Have you tried to learn why these relatively innocent children become sexually promiscuous young adult? We easily blame in on peer pressure, the media, their schools for either teaching or not teaching about sex education, but like the Western African proverb says “The lizard cannot enter into the walls if there are no holes in the walls”. These intruders and strangers we point accusing fingers at usually find their way into our children’ heart through our ignorance, silence and carelessness as fathers on sexual matters. If they don’t receive that first taste of love and self worth from us, they will get it elsewhere at a cost. Why do we have to let our kids struggle for intimacy and acceptance at the expense of their precious body?
Curiosity kills the cat, if you as a father fail to answer your children’s curiosities and questions, someone else will, don’t forget our intruders, the media, peer group, sex educators. Be opened with your child(ren) about sex education; let them learn from your mistakes if any and your convictions now. Encourage an open-end relationship with you, encourage them to ask questions and take time to answer them in the appropriate way. Our kids no matter the standard of their schools or qualification of their teachers can learn better and faster than they can do from the parents, but too bad, according to a survey only 15% of mothers and 8% of fathers ever talked to their children about sexual intercourse.
Let us teach the children the many good reasons to wait. Sexually active teens risk great physical harm to their bodies, millions contract sexually transmitted diseases. 4 out of 9 active teenage girls get pregnant; many have already been opened to abortion. Most of these innocent children have suffered emotional harm and mostly wind up feeling used, cheap and empty. Premarital sex strains present boy/girl relationships and destroys future relationships (lack of trust, haunted comparisons).
What can I do, the world is sex-crazy? my child(ren) are already caught deep in the web? My children are innocent why border them?
Parenting is a battle and the father leads the battle. No great general goes to the battle field without a plan, your battle plan is your fatherly involvement. You are the greatest resource your kids have if they are to grow up to be“love-sane” adults in our today’s “sex-crazed” world.
See you @ the TOP.
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